E is for Exceptional
by Artemis1000
Summary: China trolls America with a fake "leaked" Chinese cable. America panics. America/China. Kink meme deanon.


Content Advice: References to recent politics  
>Notes: Hetalia kink meme fill for the prompt <em>China, America - trolling diplomacy. China trolls America. Predictably, America panics xD Bonus. Some ChinaAmerica?_ Based on a NY times article "From WikiChina" to which FFN won't let me link.

**E is for Exceptional**

Every once in a while, China's temper snaps when he finds yet another firecracker in his underwear drawer and he wonders, who has the boy gotten that from? He concludes each and every time that it certainly isn't from him, proceeds to call the opium bastard and give him a good telling-off for corrupting Hong Kong.

Right now, China finds himself hoping fervently that England will never hear of this.

Hong Kong's prankster ways are his favorite excuse to fling insults at England.

Naturally, there is a huge difference between firecrackers in his underwear drawer and the fine, artistic prank he is in the process of orchestrating. This one requires skill, finesse and intelligence, not to mention a healthy dose of audacity.

Furthermore, it is going to teach a certain nation a valuable lesson England neglected to teach him. He is doing him a favor, really.

It takes all of the self-control China has gained in 4000 years not to laugh, smile or even twitch when the bait is swallowed, hook, line and sinker.

Naturally, it isn't hard at all for America to hide his shout of triumphant glee, for heroes are naturally gifted at subterfuge and discretion. That huge shit-eating smile on his face? It's all part of his amazing look-normal-and-not-like-you-just-stole-C

hina's-super-secret-USB-flash-drive plan!

A frown flickers over America's sunny features. The plan needs a more heroic name. Well, he's winging it!

Hand on the doorknob, China turns around and looks at him. "Yes?"

"Uh… nothing! I was just… um…" Think, America, think! "I thought there was a fly on your nose!"

China's expression wavers between amused and exasperated. "I see." A small, fond smile lights up China's features and warms his eyes. "Goodbye, America," he repeats gently, but firmly.

America watches him leave. Inside the pocket of his suit jacket, the pen drive digs painfully into the soft flesh of his palm.

He doesn't pull his hand out of his pocket, or move at all, until he is certain that China is not only in the car, but on the way to the airport altogether.

You never know with these commies. They can be amazingly sneaky.

Not as sneaky as the hero, of course. America laughs to himself as he uncurls his sweaty fingers to reveal the unassuming pen drive. He snorts with amusement as he catches sight of the "made in China" print.

The amusement turns a bit hollow as America wonders for the first time what he is going to do with his prize.

It had been a spur of the moment decision.

While China had been visiting him, he had spent more time on his laptop that on America – or under America or with America at all. That sucked, to say the least. What sucked even more was that China had made a big secret out of what he had been doing on the laptop, throwing a fit about national security if America dared to get within three feet of the damned gadget.

Supposedly, America couldn't be trusted with secrets. He had suffered quite a lot of mockery ever since Wikileaks, but China was taking it too far. If he was so worried America would steal his boring commie secrets and tell the entire world, he shouldn't have brought the stupid laptop at all!

So then after they had said their goodbyes and when China was just about to leave, America had caught sight of the pen drive. He had called out to China without thinking and then… he had thought.

China had forgotten the pen drive. It wasn't America's fault if he was careless with his state secrets, was it? He had recalled China's ridicule then, each and every single instance of it, and he had thought, why not?

So he had snatched the pen drive up in the time it took China to fumble with his luggage and turn around.

…which still leaves him with the problem what to do with it. It doesn't feels right to snoop, never mind that China has had no such inhibitions to read his Wikileaks files – and quote the juiciest secrets to him. After all, America loves China and he understands that trust is very important in a relationship.

On the other hand, they are two superpowers competing for the top spot in the world – and he has no doubt that China wouldn't hesitate. Sneaky, sexy commie.

Before America can come to a decision, he is interrupted by a call from his boss. He should have been in the White House ten minutes ago. Whoops! In his mad dash not to be overwhelmingly late, he stuffs the pen drive back into the pocket.

There it remains for weeks, forgotten.

It isn't until America is in a mind-numbingly dreadful conference and rummaging through his pockets in search of something to entertain him that he rediscovers the pen drive.

He doesn't make the connection right away, his mind is far too occupied with the heroic struggle to stay awake. Maybe there's a movie on it? He keeps several pen drives with movies around for emergencies just like this one.

America doesn't realize his mistake until he is prompted for a password – in Chinese.

The guilt is back in a flash, but he's bored enough to hurl himself out of the window and there's certainly no harm in cracking the password just for the fun of it, is there?

There isn't, America decides and gets to work.

That keeps him busy for an hour or two, but the meeting is scheduled to last late into the night.

Three hours later, America is right back where he started, bored to tears, and a teeny-weeny peek can't hurt, can it? His Chinese isn't all that good, anyway. Who knows? Maybe China has movies on the pen drive… or games… or porn… or… Well, he's China. He most likely keeps work-related files on the pen drive. But it could be porn, it could!

Statistics on desertification…

America's groan is pathetic enough to make his boss pause in his speech, but not pathetic enough to convince him to call a burger break.

Two hours later, America decides that statistics on desertification might be slightly more interesting than whatever his politicians are currently discussing.

Another ten minutes later, America is glaring at the computer screen for all he is worth.

The report from the Chinese Embassy in Washington to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, so innocently titled "America today", stares back.

…willful self-destructiveness in the air…

…America will do nothing serious to fix its structural problems…

…Africa's cell phone service is better than America's…

…They don't seem to understand that you can't declare yourself "exceptional"…

"But I am exceptional!" America wails, unable to take it any longer.

The politicians fall silent and turn their heads to gape at him.

America flushes under his boss's steady gaze. "I am!" he insists, for lack of anything better to say. He shoots the vile, slanderous, utterly unheroic report a venomous glare. "I'm the best and whoever says anything else is a dirty liar!"

"Of course you are, America," his boss reassures mildly. "Would you like to take a break?"

"I'm not a wimp!" America huffs and crosses his arms in front of his chest. "And China's an ass! He's not getting any until he takes it back!"

"I think you should take a break," America's boss repeats. He looks concerned. "Would you like to have a burger?"

"I don't want a damn burger! I want China to…" America's eyes widen in horror. "You do it, too!"

"I do what? America, are you sure you're feeling well?"

"No, no, no! I'm not feeling well!" America waves his arms around and doesn't even notice when he hits the politician on his left. "It's horrible!" He leaps up from his seat and points an accusing finger at his boss. "And you do it, too! You think I'm lazy and unexceptional and… and… and… you're making fun of my cell phone reception!"

"I just thought a burger would calm you down," the boss says helplessly and rubs his aching temples.

America feels a momentary twitch of sympathy for him, but quickly dismisses it. There are more important heroic tasks to take care of! "This is no time to think of food!" he yells. "We have to save the economy and the country and the world – and kick China's ass!"

He grabs his seat neighbor, still dazed from the hit against the side of his head, and pulls him up by the lapels of his jacket. "You! You're going to build me a bullet train robot!"

"But… I'm a p… press aide!" the man chokes out.

Scowling, America gives him a good shake. "And make it look like Homer Simpson!"

Two days later, China's boss mentions that he has gotten an odd call from the US president.

He wonders if China can make sense of America kidnapping Zambia to help him plaster the railroad line from Washington to New York City with transmitter masts.

China chokes on his tea and professes with a straight face that he has no idea.

When a glint of suspicion sparks in his boss' eyes, China asks innocently, "Didn't the Chinese ambassador mention in his latest cable that America is quite a strange fellow?" He chuckles softly. "Thank goodness the Americans can't read our diplomatic cables!"

His boss goes very quiet.

He stays quiet for a while.

Then he remarks on the weather.

China smiles.

Maybe he will tell America that the report had been a prank - once he is done with the transmitters. China wouldn't want to keep him from work. His cell phone reception is truly atrocious.

The end


End file.
